In this recurring guest column, Kate White, M.D., of Boston Medical Center, answers your questions on all things gynecology. As the author of the Mayo Clinic Press book Your Sexual Health, she’s ready to dole out wisdom on sex, periods, menopause and more. Submit a question here.
Q: I’m in a great, loving relationship, but I only orgasm occasionally when we have sex. We’ve been together for a while, and I’m not sure what else to try. Are there techniques that can help me orgasm more consistently?
A: There may be! The first important point: Orgasms don’t often come from intercourse alone.
Fewer than 1 in 5 women say they can climax from vaginal intercourse alone — everyone else wants or needs some sort of stimulation on their clitoris. Your clit can be stimulated directly, but for some people that’s too intense, and they prefer indirect stimulation, including from the side through the labia, with gentle pulling on the labia minora, or even through clothing. Touching in or around the vagina, including on the perineum and under the urethra, may stimulate the inner portion of the clitoris (which extends way beyond the nub you know and love, extending in the shape of a wishbone behind the vaginal wall into the pelvis). You can see how everything is connected here.
If you want to try to have an orgasm during vaginal penetration, try stimulating your clitoris at the same time. Either touch yourself with your fingers or a vibrator or have your partner touch you. Aim for the area around your clitoris. If that feels too much like a game of Twister, try manual or oral stimulation before or after intercourse. Other kinds of touching during intercourse, including kissing, licking and sucking, can also help get you there.
It doesn’t matter how you get an orgasm.
Even the most caring partner may not consistently push your buttons the right way. And it can be challenging to manage direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse, depending on how flexible you can be with your sex positions. If having orgasms with a partner doesn’t come easy for you, try using a vibrator. Vibes come in many forms, and most are battery operated so they can be moved about your body without cords getting in the way. With practice, you can get the hang of timing your climax for the moment that feels best for you. A vibrator may be your ticket to timing your orgasms with your partner’s, especially during intercourse.
Some patients make a face when I suggest introducing a vibrator into their couple’s time. They’ve always seen a vibe as something for private, personal play. But there’s nothing wrong with a battery-operated assist to get you over the edge. For partners who seem hesitant — as if they’re being left out of the game — let them wield the wand. It may take practice and communication to get the angle, intensity and pacing right. But what a lovely thing to practice.
There are benefits to sex — with or without an orgasm.
Whether you have an orgasm or not, sex also has a lot of surprising health benefits. Sex can lower your blood pressure and improve your heart health. It can strengthen your immune system and decrease symptoms of depression and anxiety. Sex can lead to better sleep, pain relief, and stress reduction, both physical and emotional. A healthy sex life may even improve your self-esteem and boost your libido, so you want more of a good thing! You get these benefits with or without an orgasm.
This an edited excerpt from Dr. Kate’s book Your Sexual Health.
The content on this site is to educate consumers on health care and medical issues. Nothing about the content on this site should be considered, or used as a substitute for, medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This site and its services do not constitute the practice of any medical or other professional health care advice, diagnosis or treatment.
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Your Sexual Health
This book is intended for people with a vagina, of any identity or orientation. Gain a better sense of what your body’s telling you — and how to know when not to worry about what you feel or see. A crash course in sexual, reproductive and pregnancy health.
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